It has been a emotional past few days for me. I don't know whether to blame it on hormones or just that I'm experiencing this thing called life and just so happen to be 6 months pregnant. I guess it doesn't really matter because my feelings are what they are. Fear is something I've struggled with since before I even knew that Claudia was on her way. Fear that I wouldn't be able to get pregnant at all. Fear that I would see bright red blood during those first delicate weeks of pregnancy. Fear that my little one won't develop correctly. Fear that her heart will just stop beating. Fear that I will fall or do something that could harm her. Fear that I'm not drinking enough water and that my amniotic fluid is too low. Fear that she will be born way too early. Fear that, if she is born too early, that she might not make it. Fear that, if I carry her to full term, something will go wrong during my delivery. Fear that something horrible will happen to me after the delivery. Fear that I won't be a good mother. Fear that we will struggle financially. Fear that staying at home with the baby will be too difficult. Fear that I won't lose the baby weight. Fear that, if we are blessed with another pregnancy after this one, any of those things will happen to that baby. On and on and on and on and on the cycle of fear continues. Having family and friends experience (in the past or present) the things that I fear the most makes those fears all the more real. Sometimes I feel like I can't breathe, I'm so fearful.
In the process of focusing on my fear I realize that this is NOT the abundant life Christ wants for me. When I focus on my fear, I'm letting my joy get taken away from me. Something I've had to learn in the painful seasons of my life is that joy is a choice- not an emotion. This doesn't mean pretending that everything is okay or just being cheerful when my heart is breaking. Suffering is very much a part of life. This means choosing to focus on the truth that is steadfast and can't ever be changed- that I have life in Christ because of the Gospel. That no matter what has happened to me, what is happening around me, or what will happen to me, I have a reason to smile because I have been given life everlasting! The joy of my salvation is my strength!
When I allow myself to be overcome with fear or despair, I am not acknowledging that the Lord is in control of my life and has a beautiful plan. As a person who likes to be in control and know the plan, this has always been a struggle for me. Austin reminds me so often that feelings are just that- feelings. God created me to be an emotional being (I cry in almost EVERY movie! :-) ) but it is what I choose to do with those feelings (like fear) that matter. I have two choices. I can either dwell in fear and despair, letting those emotions rule my attitude and take over my heart OR I can surrender them to Him. As much as I wish I didn't struggle with fear in the first place (how many times do we, as Christians, think junk like that?!), I do. When I surrender my plans, my husband, my baby and my life to Him- that is when He gives me peace. Peace and fear cannot exist together. When I abide in that peace, I can experience joy and abundant life.
This is how, even when he lost everything that mattered to him in this world, Job was still able to praise God!
Over the past few weeks, my blessings have become even more apparent to me. I have an amazing, godly husband who I'm madly in love with, an adorable little house, precious family, wonderful friends, an awesome church, a little girl growing and moving inside of me, so much stuff that we need to have a yard sale, food on the table, money in the bank, a sleek white car to drive, maternity clothes on my back and comfy shoes on my feet. I thank God for these blessings. I could never be deserving of any of these gifts. I praise the Lord for them, for He is the giver of all good things!
In the midst of my intense fear, this has been such an overwhelming season of joy and anticipation. Claudia's closet is full of her tiny little clothes, crib, changing table and items that were mine when I was a baby. I am so excited to meet our daughter! I love seeing and feeling her move, talking to her, singing to her, and dreaming of what she looks like and what her little personality will be like. All of these things are gifts from the Lord and I am enjoying their sweetness in this short season. Every morning, Austin and I pray for her and that the Lord would keep our family safe. I pray that my heart would be humble to receive these blessings and that I will not be controlled by fear. I rejoice in what the Lord has done and is doing in my life!
Thanks for letting me share a piece of my heart with you this morning. I hope it can be a reminder and encouragement to trust in the One who holds all things in His hands.
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